My Many Adventures In Healing

Being sick is a bummer. Once the big sick cleared, I found healing in adventure.  It is true that laughter is the medicine.  Along with that, taking risks, meeting new people, enjoying the incredible outdoors, getting in the water, doing yoga, and sleeping under the stars ranks pretty high. The organizations below have impacted my healing from cancer in one way or another.

If you know a young adult with cancer, are a young adult with cancer, or want to donate to a young adult cancer organization, I am providing some videos from SOME of the organizations who opened their hearts and were willing to help. After you check out the heartfelt videos, you will understand that you will not have to worry about me as long as these organizations exist. Please feel free to visit their websites to learn more, add them on your amazon smile account, or help raise funds for them with me. If you happen to do the latter, or have ideas on how to do that, please let me know.

Camp Koru was the first camp I went to in Maui, Hawaii.  I was treated to surfing, sleeping on the beach, eating the most amazing, healthy food, and most importantly, making lifelong friends who understood my experience.

Project Koru also had me as a guest on their This Is Life retreat where I was given an abundance of resources for life after cancer.

First Descents took me to Outter Banks, North Carolina for a week-long surf trip where I learned amazing things about nutrition, took part in silly traditions, and stayed in an incredible beach house with some of the most amazing people I have ever met.

I am so lucky because the headquarters for First Descents is in Denver, CO!! They put on quarterly events for locals, along with some really awesome fundraising parties.  This summer, I went white water paddle boarding and pushed myself beyond what I thought was possible.  This organization encourages a healthy, active lifestyle and has gently challenged me to push through the obstacles I thought were in my way.

Dear Jack Foundation also has its headquarters in Denver.  Dear Jack is like my little Denver cancer family.  They support a few programs. These include a yoga program I go to with the same group of friends about once a month. They also have a program for patients who have pretty extreme treatments call the Life List.  This is similar to make a wish because Dear Jack tries to make exceptional things happen so patients have something awesome to look forward to. By default, participants and their families become part of a community of survivors.

Another organization that gave me a stellar experience is River Discovery  The website does not have any videos, but they have an awesome photo gallery.

I encourage you to help yourself and others find ways to heal this way and to…

Be Well

 

Having A Job Should’t Be That Much Work

Since I graduated from my Masters program in 2012, I have had the worst time with getting a job.  In school, I had an amazing  two year assistantship where I discovered what it was like to be a part of an office.  I formed relationships, was able to recognize strengths in others, and I was given the opportunity to create and improve programs and was trusted to do a good job. I got to spend a lot of time interacting with students in different capacities.  My job had a ton of variety. I loved this office because we really did the whole, “work hard, play hard” thing.  I laughed so hard most days. I got to be silly and serious all in the same day.

I moved from Fort Collins back to Denver right after school.  Denver is my home and is where I feel the most comfortable.  Denver is also a VERY DIFFICULT place to get a job in my field. Between May 2012 and August 2013, I did not have a solid full time job. I spent days job searching and networking.  Honestly, looking for a job was my full time job.

I worked part time in higher education as part of a team developing a program to support first year students.  I loved the job, but it was only part time and short term.  I took another job as a peer mentor working alongside individuals who were struggling with mental health difficulties.  I thought the job was going to be a great place to use my skills as a counselor and as a person with a mental health diagnosis. That job turned out to be miserable for so many reasons.  I created a great program for clients to grow confidence at a local recreation center pool.  I had the support from the recreation center, my clients were excited, and I couldn’t wait for it to be a success. Unfortunately, when it came down to it, all of my work was a waste. My employer didn’t follow through, and after a lot of hard work and energy, my program fell through the cracks. I lost confidence in creating a program and saw it fail because of a lack of support. That job did not last long.

The first full time job I was hired for was following a year of making it to final interviews for 12 different jobs at the institution.  I was finally hired after “lucky number 13.” Most people I have told were shocked that I kept going back for more. Whether it was determination, stubbornness, belief in the organization, or faith in myself, I finally got a job.  After I started the job, I knew I hadn’t gotten any of the other positions because this job hadn’t been created and it had my name all over it. I had a “hybrid” position where I was involved in creating and implementing three different programs.  I spent my days interacting with so many people in the campus community and in my own office. I felt like I had endless amounts of creative freedom because I was building my own job.  My position had not existed before and it was up to me to shape it. I loved the culture of my office because we supported each other, liked each other, and knew how to have a lot of fun. Unfortunately, I decided to leave this job after I went through my treatment for cancer.

In January 2017, after a long, similar job search, I returned to work and did not have success with the first two jobs. Knowing I had to find some way to support myself, I finally landed my current job.  I have only been there since July, but I already know that I am in love with it! I am able to work on multiple projects, spend a lot of time interacting with clients, and I have such a supportive office team. I am valued and my fun, silly ways are accepted and appreciated. I have one coworker who always starts the day by saying, ‘welcome home”.

My successful jobs have always had a few things in common; I was given creative freedom, my ideas were valued, coworkers were supportive, hard working, and humorous, and I could be myself without apologizing. I have also enjoyed the variety in my  work.  I have been able to work on program development and spend a lot of time with clients in a number of settings. In hindsight, I see what has worked in the past and is working now, and I know what I must have from a work environment.  It is so important to me that I have been able to solidify the common threads in my most successful work environments. I would recommend anyone take the time and explore this for themselves.

This video is a TedTalk given by one of my favorite supervisors. He helped me to develop my professional identity and was an excellent role model.  Please take the time to see what he has to say about the key to a successful workplace. He has taken the time to consider what he values in a career and has created an amazing business sharing that with others.  This is Paul Osincup. I am honored to have spent a few years working with him.

Be Well

How Pitching A Tent Has Increased My Independence

Last week, my therapist told me he was taking a new job and could no longer have a private practice or see me.  I had mixed feelings about this. I have been working with him for about a year and he is the first therapist I have worked with who has provided valuable information that has really helped me make changes I thought were impossible. I have a way better understanding of how my mind, body, and spirit all work together.  I am so much better at combating anxiety, worry, and the fear of negative interactions with other people. I have become more assertive and do not let myself believe that my needs and feelings are less important than those of others. I have a lot more clarity, strength, and overall sense of calm.

While it is hard to end that relationship, it is clear that now I am equipped to do so.  As a counselor, I know it is important to discontinue seeing, or “break up” with my therapist.  If done right, the point is to be able to take what I have learned and put it to practice.  There comes a time when it is up to me to continue without a regular appointment.  Discontinuing therapy does not mean that now I am on my own and have to face the world with no support.  The support just starts to look different. Sometimes, part of therapy is to build support and know how to support others.  I have no problem building my community and being someone who cares for others, so I am sure I am not alone moving forward.

One of my goals was to start being more independent.  I have never been afraid to ask for help, but sometimes, that left me being dependent on others and not pushing hard enough to do something on my own. It can be hard to know if I am able to do certain things because sometimes I lack clarity and don’t trust myself. At times, I am not sure if I am scared, frustrated, or if I actually cannot physically or mentally complete the task.

To practice my independence this summer, I tried to do things I had never done on my own.  These things had to be concrete so I knew I was making progress. One of the things I did was go camping and figure out how to set up and take down my site all by myself.  In the past, I always shared a tent with someone and was never very helpful.  I depended on others to do it the “right” way while I mostly just sat back and watched. Doing this a few times has been just the thing to increase my confidence and I know I am able to do things by myself.

I am aware that most people are able to pitch a tent without second-guessing themselves. This is just symbolic of how I have been able to step back and recognize that I had some pretty big misconceptions about what I can and can’t do. I live in a beautiful state with endless opportunities to play outside any time of year. For some reason, I have always lacked the confidence to make room in my life to play outside more often. I relied on other people to take the lead. While I know it is not smart for me to explore the outdoors by myself with little knowledge, I have the courage to take a more active role. It is so good for me to breathe fresh air, challenge myself with new activities, and just get super dirty. Having done this simple thing this summer, I have noticed myself taking more opportunities for independence.

I am so grateful to have had the experience of working with my therapist.  I love knowing that I am able to do more than I think I can.  Over the last year, the work we did has changed me. No matter how hard it looks, I will now try new things on my own. SO, now that we all know that I can pitch my own tent, who wants to go play outside with me??

Be Well.

I went looking for a song about being an independent woman, really liked this one, and then saw it was at a Stand Up To Cancer event. How interesting… Enjoy!

 

I’ve Got 99 Coping Skills and Doing Nothing Ain’t One

The best way I get through life is to be prepared.  I have a plan in place for times when I need to address my bigger feelings such as sadness, anger, loneliness, hurt, disappointment, fear, nervousness, excitement, love, inspiration, hope, and anticipation. When you read through that list, you may not have been expecting “positive” feelings. In my life, my emotions can be very big and magnified.  I have learned to accept this because it is hard to change who I am and I don’t think I necessarily have to.

Because my emotions arrive somewhat like a tidal wave, I have discovered they aren’t going to magically go away and I have to find ways to feel calm and safe when they rush in. Even my excitement and motivation come with a strong force.  People who know me have most likely seen the wave pretty quickly.  I sometimes feel apologetic. Really, I want to apologize to myself for the discomfort.

Instead of getting into the big cycle of judgement, blame, or embarrassment, I have learned that I have to feel my emotions, AND I have the choice to handle them however I want.  The way I do this is to accept my discomfort and use my VERY LONG list of coping skills.  Coping skills don’t have to be this big ordeal.  They can simply be a distraction. Sometimes, they are very productive. Many times, the first thing I try isn’t the thing that works.  At times, I have to try and combine multiple things in hopes for a good outcome.

My top coping skills are:

1. Calling my friends and family to ask for help
2. Walking around the lake
3. Doing laundry
4. Going to the movies
5. Working out at the pool
6. Making crafts
7. Writing
8. Going out to eat
9. Dancing
10. Singing
11. Talking to my therapist
12. Scrolling through Facebook
13. Leaving my house
14. Getting a pedicure
15. Using essential oils
16. Looking through my pictures
17. Using grounding techniques like tapping, meditation, and observing things around me
18. Counting
19. Spending time being silly with my Best Friend/Roommate, Rob

Those are just a few of my many. I  found this list of 99 coping skills if you are interested in creating your own list and need inspiration. These skills are good to have handy in your mind because we all need them at some point or another.  There does not even have to be a big event or feeling to use them.  For the most part, we are all coping with simply being alive.

Be Well

 

 

Anxiety

1500 minutes. 1500 minutes is a pretty conservative number for how many minutes a week I spend feeling anxious. That’s an average of about 4 hours a day. Right now, I am anxious about reporting that and having you judge me. What I’m more anxious about is that I know I am underestimating the amount of time and I don’t want anyone to think I am “crazy”.

I’m anxious about:

Not being on time, driving, meeting new people, giving students the wrong advice about their classes, how I spend my time, hurting people’s feelings, going to the doctor, if I will ever really be able to work for just myself, what people think when I post in this blog, if what I’m eating will make me sick, when I will lose another immediate family member, people not believing me, not being heard, being unsure if I am using the right punctuation or grammar, having to make a decision about what we are going to do or what we are going to eat when I am with friends, if other people are happy, being in a small space with too many people, if I am being judged, most things I say, getting to the airport on time, losing my keys, forgetting things, having a messy room, taking a yoga class and not being able to do the poses right, everything about money, cooking and having it taste bad, text messaging, sending mail and being worried it won’t be received, packing for vacation, picking out produce at the grocery store, taking too much of other people’s time, not having control, trying to make this list and knowing I forgot things.

I’m not exaggerating. I know I left a number of things out. I will probably feel anxious that you will read that list and it will make you anxious. Funny thing is, I am not always even conscious of when I am anxious. Ever since I have been going to my current therapist, I have been more aware of how my body is letting me know when I am getting too anxious. Sometimes, I feel my jaw tighten. If I stop to notice, sometimes I am holding my breath. Sometimes my muscles and joints will hurt too.

The fancy word for obsessively worrying or thinking too much is called ruminating. The things I ruminate about most are the things I have said or done. If a conversation didn’t go the way I meant for it to go, I will think about it for hours, sometimes days. First, the thing I said plays in my mind over and over. Then I think about how the person might have reacted to what I said. Next, I think of how I would explain, clarify, or apologize. This cycle goes around over and over and over. Sometimes, I get stuck in the cycle and can’t be present and mindful. I am too busy thinking about what happened and what will happen in the future as a result of that. Next thing I know, I have wasted valuable time with a friend because I refused to take the time to address my anxiety and use the concepts I have to calm down and slow my mind. By the way, I am sorry if this has happened when I was with you. (I have to apologize because I’m anxious you won’t know that I am aware that this is a problem).

If I have done my job as a writer, I have just brought you to a place where you get a sense of how my anxiety impacts how I experience the world. It is uncomfortable, unreasonable, and totally irritating. (Listening to the audio might REALLY give you a sense.)

I used to think I was just stuck in this place of anxiety. I felt like I was trapped and would not be able to stop worrying. That only made it worse and made my body get to an extremely agitated state. Now I know there are things I can do. At this point, these things only work about 45% of the time. That percentage has slowly increased and will continue to do so the more I practice. The new skills I practice have only really been in my mind and body for about a year. My mind has a tendency to be more urgent and in a hurry while my body knows the work is in slowing down.

I experienced this just yesterday when I was overwhelmed with thinking about some difficulty I am having with some friendships right now. My mind was racing; I was searching for solutions, judging myself, and feeling grief. As hard as it was, I forced myself to move into a less anxious place by breathing, using a practice called tapping, and stopping the outside and inside chatter.  I actually felt and saw the difference in my body.  I came to a space of more peace and calm.  If it was relatively easy to get there in 30 minutes, I cannot figure out why I don’t take the 30-45 minutes to do this more often to greatly decrease the 1500 minutes a week. While that is the logical thing to do, anxiety is illogical and is hard to pair with something so logical.

By giving up my old ways of thinking, I have been open to new things. I have learned that THINKING about my anxiety is completely unreasonable and does not work. My mind is already ridiculous and has no productive space for “thinking about thinking.”

I have learned more about being comfortable with discomfort. Maybe not even comfortable: at least tolerant. I have heard many people with anxiety say it is irritating when others tell them to “just breathe.” To be honest, it does feel irritating. It is a process to get to a place where that makes sense.  Something one can say when encountered with another’s anxiety is simply, “I know this is difficult.  I am here and will be patient.  I am not judging you.” Eventually, we will be able to tell ourselves to “just breathe”.

Be Well

What Lies Beneath

Facing your fears is not always easy.  Looking at yourself and reflecting very honestly about who you are is extremely difficult.  We all have our “elevator speech” about who we are and how we want to “sell” ourselves to both others and ourselves.  It is nice to have a handy little speech about your interests, hobbies, likes, and dislikes – as long as it is not too personal and won’t offend anyone.  While the elevator speech is mostly true and how you perceive yourself, it is just the tip of the iceberg.  What is the rest that is hiding underneath?

The things underneath are down there for a reason.  Some of those things are pain, disappointment, fear, insecurity, pride, ego, sadness, frustration, or assumptions. There are also phobias, broken relationships, hopelessness, loss, secrets, betrayals, and more.  Some people are better than others at making sure to keep those under the surface.  It doesn’t mean there is nothing there.

This is a topic about which I could write for days. I want to address some of those things hiding under the surface for individuals with chronic illness- whether the illness is invisible or not. One big question is often, “What will others think?” This is valid.  Not everyone has information about your illness and sometimes respond out of fear or stereotypes.  I can’t even count the number of times I have heard “He/She is so bipolar!”  Usually this has a derogatory tone and is made to be a strong judgment. Living in Colorado, I often hear that our weather is bipolar.  What!!??

For years, this has exhausted my courage to speak out about my mental health diagnosis.  There is no comfortable way to respond to something like that. There is no way I have the energy to address every person who says something ridiculous like this. It isn’t my full-time job. What I must address is my fear.  If I am able to find a way to not take this personally every time, I consider it a success.  It is so easy to say, “Who cares what other people think?” To tell you the truth, I do.  The more difficult question I have learned to ask is, “What do I think?” It is the only way to remember what I think about myself is way more important than what others think. I have often been told, “What others think about you is none of your business.”

Another question we ask ourselves is, “Am I enough?” First of all, what in the world does it mean to be enough?  How is that measured? You certainly are enough. In the most basic sense, we are all enough just because we exist.

The last question I will touch on is, “How will this effect my success?” In so many careers, there is pressure to be the best, strive to move up, and work long hours. None of those things are my values.  I want to be happy, help people, and create tools for success. I want to do this in my own time, in my own space, and in my own way.  When I have a goal, I work hard to achieve it.  Most of the time, I do achieve it in one form or another.  My illnesses have made me stubborn, push hard, and fight.  I am not fighting to be on top.  I am fighting to go at my own pace, acknowledge and forgive my weaknesses, and celebrate my gifts.  I am the first person to take a break when I need it.  I ask for accommodations.  I am honest about what I can do. If I need to, I will take all of my sick and vacation days.  Isn’t that what they are there for?  Isn’t that why I made sure to have a job with benefits (unfortunately, I am speaking of the past right now). It makes me tired to feel like I have to explain that I have different goals when I leave when my hours for the day are up and others are working tirelessly at their desks.

Whatever is below the surface will most likely stay there unless you look at it directly, invite it to come to the surface or tell it to go away because you just don’t need it anymore! I invite you to reflect on your goals and values- whatever they may be and see if they align with how you are living your life.

Be Well

The Mind/Body Connection

Below is the audio version of this post:

In January 2016, I was experiencing problems with anxiety and dissociation (see this previous post). I sought out any treatment I thought would be helpful.  For years, I was really stubborn about going to therapy.  I have gone to plenty of therapists in the past and usually ended up using my understanding of counseling to direct the conversation away from topics I wasn’t comfortable addressing.  At the time, I thought talking about my feelings was what should work.  I understood the logic of recognizing and replacing thoughts that were either untrue or not working for me. “Thinking about thinking” was not the way to work with my already racing and anxious mind.  When I do that, I become critical of my first thoughts and then begin second guessing every word that comes out of my mouth because I am not sure if it is untrue.  Talk about a nightmare for a semantics-consious, people pleasing, anxiety ridden perfectionist. See, just reading that might have cause some of you to experience the disaster of “thinking about thinking”.

Knowing I needed some sort of treatment for my anxiety and stress, my mother hoped she could convince me to go back to therapy.  We were both lucky I caved.  I was so worn out and feeling pretty desperate. My new therapy experience has taught me a way to nurture my mind/body connection.  Instead of the typical, “how do you think/feel about that”, I often hear my therapist say, “What does that feel like in your body?” It sounds kind of bizarre and maybe even elementary, but when I started to just answer the question without judgement, it made sense why it is so important. I started to recognize when my breathing changed, what my face felt like when I had a hard time with a concept or emotion, and how my posture changed with my confidence. I have learned that I can’t just live in my mind.  I have a whole physical body which requires care and attention as well.

Noticing these things has slowed my thoughts and feelings and everything has started to be more in sync. When I slow down and pay attention, my mind has a chance to relax.  The video below is an example of ways I have learned to try new things with less judgement.  Believe me, I think this video looks cheesy and outdated.  To be honest, it doesn’t matter what I think about the production value of this video.  What matters is that I am taking the time to connect with my body and bring it all together. There is an awareness that comes from taking the time to do this.  I have found that when I make this connection, my thoughts slow down, my breathing is more controlled, and my anxiety slowly disappears. By the time, it is somewhat difficult to even access the thing that was taking over and filling me with anxiety.

Sometimes out of desperation, we find the greatest peace.  I put in a lot of work and threw out a lot of judgement to be able to train my mind and body to work together. I have started to learn what it is like to stay in a moment whether it is joyful or really painful. I have more resilience and balance because I have gained confidence by practicing these tools.  I have been open to essential oils, acupuncture, meditation, yoga, massage, and more.  I am listening to my body when it urges me to try something new.  In the middle of a panic attack or extreme discomfort, I am now able to tell myself that I have the tools to work though this and I must use them.  I have gone from extreme discomfort every time to listening to myself at least 65% of the time. Every time I use what I know, it gets better.

What I have done works for me.  It might not work for all of you.  I urge you to try something new in times of discomfort and in times of joy. Be more present. Listen to your body. Maybe even watch the video with an open mind and see how it feels.

Be Well

Following My Own Model

Ok, I have figured out how to add the audio piece again.  The point is to be able to hear it.  The video is just the same picture throughout so you can focus on the words.

For those of you who are familiar with my SPEAK model for self-advocacy, you will know that it is the core of my work. For those of you who are not familiar, you can read about it here.  After months of working toward my dream of having a successful small business, I have had several moments of doubt, feeling overwhelmed, and small flashes of wanting to just give up.  I can’t give up.  I won’t give up.  I know this is the work I am meant to do and all of my future clients will not receive my services or be impacted by my experience, education, and drive if I stop pursuing my dreams.  On top of that, I will not have been true to my model.

 

It is a step-by-step way to be a successful self-advocate. On my journey, I have been reminded by a few people that in my pursuit of forming a business to serve others with this model, I too have followed the steps. Having no background in business, marketing, website design, blogging, social media for business, and video production, I have jumped in and educated myself in all of these areas.  I am not a professional in any of them, but I have researched, tried and failed, and had hours of discussion to gather information from experts.  I have sorted through advice, asked questions, and changed my focus a number of times. I have been uncomfortable, unsure, excited, and proud.  Right now, I am writing my 21st blog post!!

Every time I have gotten to a point of frustration, I have pushed forward and reached out for help.  I have been Self-aware, identified my Problems, Evaluated by researching and constructing solutions, Acted on my plans through networking, asking for help from others, and finally pushing myself so hard to KEEP GOING.

Because I followed my model, I have learned a lot about starting, building, and maintaining a business. I have formed an LLC, opened a business bank account, decided on promotional  products, made awesome business cards, and met with business mentors.  To continue to grow and learn more, I attended events and retreats and made connections with people with specialized knowledge. I have created a website and blog, opened social media accounts, cold called businesses, published articles in a popular online publication, and have spoken about my services with confidence. I am proud of what I have accomplished.

The thing that has continued to keep me going is the support of others.  People are showing up when I ask for help. Not only are they showing up, they bring gifts! From the kindness of their hearts, people have shared their successes as a way to guide me, created my beautiful logo, volunteered to help me create a marketing strategy, and helped me design a beautiful website to invite much needed business. This is no accident! It truly does work to advocate for yourself! I open my heart through vulnerability, kindness, humor, and honesty.  Those things have brought abundance into my life! They have taught me to practice gratitude, help others, and keep on my path of self-advocacy. As I write this, I am filled with joy about sharing my experience.

Not only have I experienced this generosity in my business, I have experienced it from caregivers and friends on a regular basis.  It certainly feels like magic, but it is not.  I have created this life.  I have pushed through hard times. I have faced terrible illness. I have never given up completely.  This is because of you.  Everyone reading or listening to this had been a part of my success. I have created this model to share what I have learned and what guides me on a daily basis. I refuse to navigate my life alone. I will advocate for myself for the rest of my life. Please take a moment to consider all of the things I am writing about and see the relationship between what I have created, and the amazing outcomes it has produced. I invite you to think about how self-advocacy plays a role in your life. Please share something in the comments to inspire and engage with others about your own self-advocacy. Don’t forget that the most important part of the SPEAK model is to KEEP GOING.

Be Well

 

 

Community and Vulnerability

I am extremely lucky to have never really felt alone in life.  I’m not sure luck is the right word.  I am lucky because sometime early on, I learned to reach out to others and ask for help.  I learned to be persistent and resilient. Community is the key to my success. In a previous post, The BEST Medicine, I  gave readers a glimpse of my awesome community and support system.  Building community takes courage.  It takes vulnerability and asking your people to Show Up because you would show up for them.

This week, I am featuring a post I saw on Facebook by Hamilton Simons-Jones. This post took courage and vulnerability and he called on his community for support by being open about his experience with pain.  Hamilton is doing all kinds of cool things in New Orleans to empower his community.  You can read more about him here. This is what he wrote:

 I have been experiencing lower back pain and sciatica for the past six weeks. It has been really frustrating. Basic tasks like putting on my shoes or getting in and out of a car feel Herculean at times.

On the one hand, it is deeply humbling. It reminds me what an incredible blessing simple things in life are: picking up my children and holding them, kicking around a soccer ball, touching my toes, having sex with my partner, even rolling over in bed. It also demonstrates what an incredibly loving family I have. Even my daughter helps me with my shoes in the morning on the bad days.

On the other hand, it is really scary. Am I facing a life in which I will never be able to do these things again? Why is it that any number of treatments – stretching, meditation, massage, chiropractic treatment, heat, ice, Chi Kung, varying forms of physical activity, not sitting, etc – so far have only brought temporary relief, if any. Why does the pain move around and show up sometimes and not others? What exactly is wrong with me and what am I DOING wrong?

My family told me about a book by Dr. John Sarno. It suggests that most back pain in responsible, motivated people is due to unconscious repressed emotion – anger, fear and anxiety – not slipped discs, spinal problems, misalignment or weak back problems. He says if we can recognise this, the pain will disappear. And my responses to various treatments so far suggest he is right.

My back pain, my colleagues at Converge, the staff at Rethink and my family have helped me to think through the ways in which my life is out of alignment with my values and commitments. It brings me back to something I have come to at various times in my life as driving so many of my daily activities and ways of being – a deep fear of my own inadequacy. That underlies so much anxiety in so many of us – drives me to a lot of doing without paying attention to who I am being and what the experience of that is for me and others. It means working too much and doing everything I can to show I got it handled without admitting vulnerability or uncertainty. And it hurts, physically, and cuts off joy and love, emotionally. I found that this sciatica is advancing something I have been doing for some time amidst running a growing business and family – shrinking my world and isolating myself. I have less and shallower communication with fewer people, and a shrinking range of physical motion and movement. I am thankful for the ways in which these last few weeks of pain have presented a physical manifestation of my reality that I cannot deny. I cannot continue to live with it either.

So over the next few weeks (for starters) I will be “truing up” my life – engaging in different types conversations (less on the transactional and more on what really matters), being in more communication with people, reorganizing my commitments, expressing what I haven’t been expressing (across the emotional spectrum) in order to have the back pain disappear and improve the quality of my daily life. I look forward to you joining me on this journey and appreciate your support and patience. And for those of you who are skeptical or disagree with this view of back pain, you are welcome to. Please don’t share that skepticism with me right now. You can tell me you told me so later but right now, I need some space to follow this course without doubt. With love and appreciation…

Because he is going about his struggle in an honest, authentic way, he was happy to let me share this with you, my readers.  It is affirming to know others are reaching out to their communities in both times of joy AND struggle.  Thank you, Hamilton for being an example of this.

Be Well

Getting Your Head Wrapped Around Cancer

This is something fun and new for me! When I wore head wraps, people always asked how I made them.  I am just learning how to make videos.  This is actually my first attempt, so I haven’t quite gotten it down.  Please take the four minutes to see how I got….

Wrapped Up In Cancer

(Click on the picture to see the video)